The Girl Talks...

I'm talkin' girl talk here.  I may spend a lot of time in guy land, & find relative comfort there, but I do come standard with the girl parts, so...  inevitable things occur.  I'm not even certain if I'm all woman really.  No... I'm talkin' part android or demon or something.  Simply because I come at things in a very unlady like & different fashion basically.  But let's just dive in, shall we?  Yes, lets...

So... the change is a-happenin'. What is it? Some unknown stage of peri-menopause, because Menopause is when you're actually done with the change? Yeah?  I also say unknown, because in that true android/demon fashion, I don't see lady doctors.  

I don't know women who haven't gone to a gynecologist at least once.  Even if it's not for contraceptives or getting pregnant, but simply because it's what you do.  Basically for me, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.  Besides the fact that I don't have health insurance & can't afford it, so really I just have to use my Devil Magicks to hope that everything's OK.  Livin' life dangerously basically.  That's me.

And while I've seen these online ads about menopause trackers or figuring out which stage of peri-menopause one might be in, they come with a spiel, you have to buy some sort of "medicine", or simply pay for the program.  Nah, I'm good.

So we're goin' old school with this.  I know the change is happening, I just have no idea to what extent or how many years I have left of being a woman basically with the whole bleeding bit.

My flow was once MEGA for a full seven days. So much so that I was like a teenage boy who woke up one day to have bleeding girl parts.  Everything was a fucking mess.  Like the Civil War, but on a miniature scale, had been fought inside the walls of my bathroom.  You would think I'd have gotten a handle on this.  You'd be wrong.

It was never uncommon to bleed out in the middle of the night, causing me to have dreams where I was bathing in blood or swimming against the tide in a river of blood, only to wake up & I'm covered in it & then stepping into the shower to rinse off like some serial killer or something.

It's been changing little by little over the last few years, where maybe I do three days & perhaps only one of those days is MEGA. Sometimes cramping will happen, when it never happened really before.

But that... while it's strange, I can handle. It's the other things.

I've always had "hot flashes".  I wouldn't be active & all of a sudden I'd be ON FIRE! From the inside. Which would make me angry & fussy. I've been like that since I can remember. I've always sweated a lot. Or I'd be working a lot, cleaning, & people would think I was about to kill over. I was fine, but I was red in the face & chest & sweaty.

So, people say this is what hot flashes are like, but since I've always had something like this, I'm not sure if this is just me... that's it's the middle of summer & fucking hot... or it's menopausal things. I'm constantly going in stores & then turning to Lil' Small. "Is it hot in here to you or is it just me? Because I am schvitzing!" (which is sweating).

I check with her on these things because being my older sister, who turned fifty this year & stopped bleeding two or three years ago, she has some more insight into this, right?  Though all women are different & the differences between Lil' Small & me are a lot.  We both started at eleven, but she was always the one who barely bled (so could use lights & regulars (tampons), where I had to use the largest gauge they made, only now being able to use the full spectrum), & she always had really bad cramps.

She also never experienced swelling or water retention, PMS, or diarrhea in conjunction with her period.  Yes, those are things women can experience during their period, or leading up to it. 

Mainly I'm just asking her to try & gauge whether or not it's actually hot in said environment or if it's just me.  Though I do ask her girly questions from time to time.   

The PMS, though can be cramping, is really about mood swings.  Really, I've always had mood swings. Really prevalent as a child & into my teens. Where I could turn on a dime & get all fussy & turn into Donald Duck. But... it's back.

Yes, yes (waves away concerns), I probably do have a hormonal imbalance.  I mean I do have to tweeze/shave my neck hair, which isn't just the one or anything, though I am by no means The Bearded Lady.  And yes, I've had to do this since I was about nineteen.  But I don't have time (or the funds) to get this chequed out, so imbalance or no, it is what it is.  The mood swings have always been here, fluctuating.  

Recently I had a fight with a plastic grocery bag in our laundry room. We use them to collect used litter (or to be trash bags) & I pulled one from it's place to use & it kept getting hung up on things that it never gets hung up on.

"Goddamn son of a fucking bitch! WHAT... THE... FUUUUCK?!?! GodDAMNIT!! Fucking fuck... Motherfucker!"

You get the idea.

I finally calm down because the bag is now doing what it's supposed to do & I'm finished with the task & walk into my mothers bedroom to find that she looks a little uneasy.

"It's fine. It was a garbage bag...."

To which she seems alarmed. Funny. But also frustrating in the moment.

So, I thought that I might need some sort of pills for menopause. The one's that would help with mood swings. Not real pills like prescriptions, more like supplements. One night, I'm in bed, on my mobile, which I hate researching things on there because I need more room, ya dig? I can see the screen just fine & I have little fingers, but it's just too cramped if that makes sense. So there's already that.

Then, I don't know shit about menopause, so I don't really know what they are telling me, or what these things mean. They're writing shit out like you're already supposed to know what it all means or else it's just telling you the size of the bottle & not what it actually does.

So... I'm looking for a supplement to help with menopausal mood swings & I then have a menopausal mood swing & go into total Donald Duck mode.

"What the fuck?! What does it mean just tell me what the fucking goddamn hell it fucking means!! Fucking fuck!!! I don't give a fuck about the goddamn bottle size!!!"

'Fuck... I probably do need these!', which did make me laugh.

I did settle on the one for mood swings by Centrum & went to the store the next day to get it. But then a week later thought I might want to try the gummies that are made from Ashwagandha. Had to look that up because I keep calling them ashram or ashakowabunga or something.

So, while I was in Target, I went looking for those. I circled the vitamin section like a vulture. It said they had them, but where the fuck did they put them? Then when I finally found the section (where the label had the Golí brand & the Target brand).  They were completely sold out.

Under my breath I muttered, _{"motherfucker..."} & had to get myself to calm down, because I was getting all hot & bothered like a cartoon where they look like a steaming tea kettle & I really just wanted to start screaming, "Fuckers bought them all!!! Goddamnit, I think I need those! Rarrr!!!"

They say that my paternal grandmother did not do well with the change. At all. She was already a fussy person, but when she was going through it, she would rage like Donald Duck. They did prescribe pills for her, & apparently the running joke for years from my grandfather was, "They need to make your pills stronger" or something like that, which I do remember him saying when I was really young, but didn't know what that meant.

But that didn't last long as she went through the change in the 60's & the joke had run it's course by like 1984 or something. But man, I have got to keep it together. I can't start screaming & hopping up & down with my dukes up just whining & cussing about stuff in some store. At least I'm not hitting stuff like when I was a teenager & little kid.

OK, that's not true. Just a few nights (before researching menopause mood swing supplements) I beat the fuck outta my bed with a pillow & I did bang my fists on the bathroom counter a month or two ago, bruising my wrist bones & making the countertop bounce up & down. But really, I know what it feels like to punch or hit things (from when I was younger). It's not fun, so I try not to do that.

Last night was because Yata was doing his thing of slap-clawing me in the face when I'm trying to sleep because he wants out, but when I get up he just wants to hide & then I'm trying to get him to leave & not let the kitten in because all I want to do is sleep. Then the pillows weren't right & it was fucking hot in my room, because my fan was on low, which I found out after having a pillow fight with my bed.

*sigh*

I'm sure my eating habits have changed with this. I kind of have weird cravings like when I'm in my month or "I NEED chocolate!" or "I NEED a churro!!!". But more so. And if the thing I want... I can't obtain...  I try to remain calm.

And while the "hot flashes" sweating thing is happening, but I'm not sure if it's new or altered, I am not having night sweats. So that's good, I suppose.

But I'm also really calm on these supplements. Which seems like I'm lying. But instead of having a Donald Duck fit at least once every single day, I might only have one or sort of have one or I don't have one at all.  It's sparse.  That's a pretty good improvement. I'm thinking it's the gummies, the ash one's which I got from Walgreens & not the pills by Centrum.

I'm also naturally a very saturnine person & deal with bouts of depression (waves away concern again.  No, no, the depression is not up for talks about if I'm getting the help that I need.) or melancholy.  I do get down from time to time or get weepy over things or just have resting bitch face.  Yes, yes, I do have lack of interest in things I loved, but that doesn't go with menopause.

So, I'm left standing here wondering if these bouts of... emotions... are because of recent deaths in the family, my natural state, stress, a combination of those, or is it... peri-menopause.  Because I don't know.  Am I crying or angry over something stupid because it's hormones or am I just me, & am so logical that I know that it's illogical to get upset over this or that.  Because mainly I think it's all stupid & I know better, but still can't help it.   

And that could be explained either way honestly.  It's probably more helpful if the woman only experiences these things in relation to girl issues, & not just having lived this way, to know if it's new (peri-menopause) or if it's just her (a forever struggle).

I'm reminded of the older sitcoms referencing a hormonal time period (pregnancy or menopause) & a woman crying over some long distance telephone commercial.  I feel as ridiculous as that, only there are no longer commercials for calling loved one's with a long distance plan on a telephone land line.

I'll be forty four in six days.  Which is difficult.  It is, & isn't, because I'm getting older.  I don't mind getting older.  I've never wanted children, so my biological clock isn't ticking or anything luckily.  I'd be pissed about that.  To not have any desire for children & then have my body just suddenly sabotage me into desperately wanting the thing that I did not want.

Actually, we've had words recently.  My uterus & me.  I'll be in a store & there will be a tiny Latino boy.  They're always age five or under.  Obviously they're adorable because they aren't miniature versions of Winston Churchill or anything like little white kids, but it's the fact that they are so adorable & then speak their baby Spanish.  My ovaries will jump.  My lady parts are all, "That!  We want that.  We want one of those.  This is what is making your biological clock chime.  Let's get us a baby just like that!!"

And I have hard words with my lady parts.  "No!  We're not having a baby, damnit!  I don't care how cute he was being all tiny & speaking his tiny baby Spanish.  We're not doing it!  Pull yourself together!"

That is the only time.  Boys... tiny little baby boys with their darker skin, hair, & eyes... speaking their baby Spanish.  And only in like the last two or three years.  

I finally understand the women going crazy over "I need to have a baby.  Like yesterday.".  And just being all "baby crazy" & talking about their biological clock or wanting to touch, hold, or scoop up someone else's baby.  Her heart breaking when the little kid is calling for their mom or how cute & tiny the little clothes for babies are.  

But in my previous thirty years of womanhood I'd never had this.  Ever.  Not once.  I don't hold babies.  I don't long for babies.  My heart doesn't melt over babies.  Except now with the Spanish speaking baby boys.  Damnit, body.

Yes, we probably had one of those in a previous lifetime & that's why we feel this way, but we are entirely too old for this.  I don't have time to be pregnant or to raise some kid.  That is not for this lifetime.  So, I do have to try & keep that under wraps & not let my head be turned by the adorable Latino baby boys.  

Moving on to the rest of getting old.  I've always wanted wrinkles that stay & grey hair.  I have those.  I'm pleased as punch about those.  But... & it's probably stress, but some days I feel a little... haggard.  I look a little haggard.  That is off-putting.

I mean, apparently, I look really great for my age, so I've been told by strangers & family members alike.  As in the strangers will say I look fabulous, followed with, "Do you mind if I ask how old you are?" & when I tell them it seems to blow their freakin' minds.

Perhaps it's a combination of attitude & what I wear, making me appear younger.  Who knows!

That is not the point.  While I generally like how I look, it's just some days I feel a little overwhelmed, & I can't help but think it's the whole hormonal mood swings thing.  Because logical me is thinking that this sort of behavior is ridiculous.  I look fine.  There isn't a problem.  So what's with the fucking waterworks, yeah?

I'm actually enjoying my forties overall.  Yes, there have been some... things that aren't rainbows & kittens & unicorn rainbows in any decade, but barring those, I have liked my forties.  I was even excited to turn forty, unlike anyone I have ever met before.

Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I am not my parents, or any other parents in their forties when I was a kid.  They all seemed miserable.  Shackled with kids & life burdens of school & extracurricular activities & home mortgages & such.

My job is to run a household, take care of my 75 year old mother, & a few cats basically.  I pay bills & run errands & get shit done, but I don't have kids nor an outside life that is constantly demanding things & draining me of my energy.  I get to have fun.

I am constantly reminded of the comedic drawing, The Adventures of Lady No-Kids up there.  I do kind of feel like that is my life.  And I'm certainly not knockin' it.  

But I have mentioned that my birthday is coming up.  There are things there.  It's not that I'll be another year older.  I'm fine turning forty four.  It's... well, it's hard to sum up shortly, but basically there is emotional abuse tied to my birthday.  

I could do the exact same things, in the exact same manner, all year long & mom would basically wave it away.  Not cleaning my room, not telling her where I was going, being too loud, etc.  Christmas wasn't threatened to be withheld, "Well, that's it Sarah, no Christmas for you!".  No threats of not going on the family trip or a jaunt to the local pool or to a friends house.  Sure, I might get told, "You're not going to ______'s house until you clean your room."  So, I'd clean my room.

But that is markedly different from "You didn't clean your room so you'll never go to _______'s house ever again."

So, starting at the end of August, anything I did, whether it was not cleaning my room or I just didn't close a door properly or was still playing with a toy (when I wasn't told to stop playing), she would say, "Looks like someone isn't going to get a birthday this year."  or  "I suppose we'll just cancel your party then?"  or  "That's it.  No birthday for you.".  It was never said off-handedly.

It felt like I could just breathe wrong & she'd say some threatening line about me not having a birthday.  Every time she saw me.  Every time she walked through a room.  That's a lot of times to hear remarks like this in one day.  Multiply that by about thirty days.  Multiply that happening every year since I was the age of four or five until age seventeen.  

You might think I'm being weird, but those are really odd comments to hear when every other time of the year for infractions, she just didn't seem to care.  And then to have it happening on a near constant level, every year, in the weeks leading up to my birthday.  It's a bit much.  Might not have effected me so much if she'd pulled this stunt with anything else good like Christmas or visits to friends houses, etc.  But she didn't.  Only birthdays.  Only my birthdays.  Never for my siblings.  Ever.

Plus, at such a young age, it did cause me anxiety.  She may have been "playing" & just wanting me to behave, but by the time my birthday rolled around & I was always pretty certain that I would have no party.  There would be no celebration.  I would be... forgotten.

Which is what it boiled down to for me.  Sure I wanted a party & presents & cake, I mean what kid doesn't?!  But it felt like she was slowly erasing me.  Removing me from their lives with every sentence, to where I just knew my birthday would come & go without any form of acknowledgement & eventually I'd be thrown out of my own family.

It's ridiculous, because there was always a party & cake & presents & no one's ever really forgotten my birthday.  There was one time, but it was fine.  Dad's dad was in hospital dying basically.  Dad ended up having a heart attack & needed triple by-pass surgery.  This was immediate & ended up happening on my birthday.  Lil' Small & her friend came over to supervise my spend the night party.  I wasn't upset as those are unforeseen circumstances.

I've never really been forgotten or erased.  I pretty much run this house now.  No one could actually kick me out & say I'm no longer family now even if they wanted to.  Yet, it's still there.  Lurking.  I can't seem to pull it out from me. 

I'm not sure if it's still there in a big way (because that feeling is still there), or if it just feels big because I'm hormonal & because it will be the first birthday I've ever celebrated without my dad.  Is it a combination?  I think it bothers me so much because I've been working on this.  Hard.  To let that poisoning go.  Did I suck at this mission that badly?  Am I not through it as much as I thought I was?

Two years ago, I didn't have this feeling.  At all.  First time since I can remember.  '...oh yeah, my birthday is coming up.  Huh...' was all I felt, with a small laugh, while I was standing in the bathroom one morning in the middle of brushing my teeth.  Instead of the normal impending dread.  Last year was kind of the same.  Perhaps a little dread, but for different reasons, since dad wasn't doing too well.

Then to have it slam back into me this year, I'm left hoping it's just other circumstances circling, just telling me to finish, that there's still something there, no matter how small, but that the work I've done wasn't for nothing & I didn't fuck it all up.  

Being human is difficult.