Respect Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself...

Read this article today.  12 Signs You Have No Self-Respect As A Woman.  I had thoughts, obviously, or why would we be here, but I wonder how I can change some of it.

So, let's just jump right in, shall we?

I always talk about my confidence & self-esteem; how I worked hard to regain it, however, I'm not delusional.  I realize that I'm in... situations.  I can see where I am & the work I still have left to do.  So what did this article state?

01.  Allowing Others To Mistreat You

This one is difficult.  I get everyone has their own reasons for things they allow or that they don't, or situations they stay in, but I only know myself.  

I live at home.  Up until recently, both parents & my sister, now just my mom & sister.  I have never moved out or lived on my own.  I do live in the same house that I was born in.  People chalked it up to fear, which it wasn't, & I'll get into later in the list.

There were basically just no moves that allowed leaving.  No degree, not being able to hold down jobs, etc.  Then it turned into me taking care of the household because my aging parents couldn't & then they, themselves, needed help.

Leaving still isn't an option.  Sure, I could just sell a bunch of assets & make off with all the money, but that's a dick move, man.  As much as my mother was not a very good mother, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I did that.

However.  While I'm not blind & I realize now (the last decade & a bit) that I'm being mistreated (as in I didn't realize it when I was a child or in my twenties - neglect & negativity, nothing... unsavory, ya dig?), I have to pick my battles.  It's like being on a ship out at sea.  You can't just stand your ground on everything.  The others on the ship will feel attacked & lash out, even if you are justified.  The ship will sink or you'll be left marooned somewhere.  

While I don't love it, obviously, I also prefer calm.   I have learned (though it might not be mentally healthy) to let things slide.  It's better to just say 'Fuck it..' & let it slide than to wage war.   And even though I'm "accepting" it, by letting it slide, choosing peace over constant fighting, I don't accept how they treat me.  I don't think that I deserved it or that they were right.  I think that's at least some sort of win, right?

02.  Neglecting Your Own Needs

No.  I'm a big believer in "put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others".  I certainly do a lot.  I have more grey hair to prove it & it probably wasn't just the death of my father, but also that my mother needs constant care.  But I do for me when I need to.  I take breaks, I decompress, I leave the laundry for another day.  I've also been chastised for being lazy or not doing enough, which I generally let slide because fuck 'em.  I know how much I do & I deserve to also eat food or watch telly or whatever.  

The important things like bills being paid on time, the cats & mom being fed & watered are taken care of.  Other things can wait for a little bit.  If I've had too much of the negative comments I will state, "What did you say?" while raising my eyebrow in a hostile way, or saying, "Oh that's fine, I can just stop feeding you."

I don't get angry.  There is no fight, but there is bite in my words & it dies down for awhile.  But I never feel guilty for taking care of myself too.  Ever.

03.  Constantly Seeking Validation

Somehow I simultaneously do this & don't do this.  Somehow my childhood brain comes through & I want my big sister to like me, so I try to gain validation for not being some fuck up & being cool from her.  I did this with dad too on occasion.  Mostly though I really don't give a fuck what anyone thinks about me.  Mainly... people... out there in the world, which includes friends & acquaintances & my family.  But sometimes there's a lax in some sort of control & I seek it from my dad & big sister.  

I have tried to untie that.  Realizing I'm worth something whether they see it or not.  And I've done so much work that I really believe that.  But then it slips & I'm not sure why, except that I haven't finished yet?

04.  Having A Negative Self-Image

No.  I mean, I did struggle with this.  A LOT.  Because of my mother constantly telling me that I was fat, needed to go on diets, comparing me to herself & my big sister & I was always found lacking.  Telling me that no one would ever love me.  It took a lot of work for me to see myself, not through her eyes, but through my own... when I was a kid & thought I was awesome.

I mean, I'd have such bad times that basically 99.9% of the time I hated everything about me, inside & out, & only 1% of the time would I be having a good day.  Now that has switched.  It's basically 99% of the time I'm cool.  I don't stand in front of a mirror chequing myself out, but I'm good.  I know that I've got a body that works & I think I look good & that I'm a good person & totally badass.  

But, I suppose because I'm human, I'll have that one day where it's just bad.  But one day out of 100 is excellent.  It'll dip down slightly if something happens that reminds me of a time in my life that was especially bad & while I thought I'd finished working on that, it turns out I hadn't.  But I spring back pretty quickly.  Not because I ignore it, but it's easier to work through it than when I first started.

05.  Settling For Less

I have never, & I mean never, settled for less.  There have been times when it probably seemed like to an outside source, but I just wasn't sure what was happening.  A good example & one topic people will jump immediately to "You settled" are boys.  There was this one guy who showed interest in me.  I'd never had a boyfriend before or a guy into me really, so I wasn't sure how this was supposed to go.  

I'm also a little slow sometimes.  But being slow & settling are not the same thing.  Things started adding up as "not right" but I couldn't figure it out.  I didn't understand the red flags of him not really caring about me, because I'd not experienced these flags before.  So, I was pondering how he liked me if he also didn't.  Then BAM!  It hit me.  I figured out the flags.  He didn't like me.  And I was done with that.  I just walked away.  I knew I was better than that now that I'd figured out what in the hell was going on.  

That took me about a month.  The second time it happened, it only took about a week & a half.  I was wondering why two & two weren't adding up to four, then I realized why & I left.  

If I'd figured it out & stayed, hoping it would work out, that would be me settling.  I don't settle.  I may have struggled with poor self-worth & poor body image through these times but I always, deep down, knew what I was fucking worth.

A great example is that I had a crush on this guy when I was thirteen.  His friend that was a girl was hanging out with me (it was probably a trap, but I handled it).  She said she'd talk to him for me.  Weird, but OK.  She came back with he'd be OK with that if I lost some weight.  I practically told her to hold my beer.  I rolled up my proverbial sleeves & said, "Oh, did he now?"

I marched right over to him in the lunch line, got him to turn around, & angrily stated, "Oh, you think I need to lose some weight, do ya? Fuck you!" & I punched him in the stomach.

I have a feeling that he didn't know this talk had happened, like he might not ever have even said that.  Or else he never expected me to stand up for myself.  But I most certainly did.  Without any hesitation.  Which seems completely illogical since I felt like an ugly, fat swamp witch when I was thirteen.  Perhaps I was just struggling with that in myself, but my real self that had been buried would rise up & strike if anyone was as asshole to me.  

I was constantly sticking up for myself, though I somehow also hated myself.

06.  Apologizing Excessively

I used to, but I haven't in a long time.  You'll hear me excessively apologize if I caused the accident, whatever it may be & the other party is injured, because "Oh shit!  I did NOT mean for that to happen! Sorry!  I'm so sorry!".  But I doubt this is what this means.  I think it's when one constantly apologizes for simply existing & breathing air.  

It's probably annoying to say "sorry" over & over again when you landed a table on the persons toe, but no matter how hard I try to curb this, it just is.  I'm not even afraid I'll get beat or something, I just feel really bad.

But it is annoying to constantly apologize for even existing.  I've been there & I've seen other people do it.  I get that you were treated like you're just in the fucking way & everything you do annoys the other person, but you probably aren't inherently annoying.  I'm sure .1% of people are, but the vast majority of you are just human & aren't terrible.  You just have to hitch up your big girl panties (or... I don't know... hold your balls?  What would guys do?) & just be you & don't apologize for it.  Because you can not please all of the people all of the time, you can only live for you.  Fuck 'em if they find you annoying.  Find other friends or just learn to let it go if it's family members.

Hell, there are family members that I don't associate with because they were not nice to me when I was growing up or when we'd see each other.  I figured that I didn't have time for that.  It was a silent thing.  We didn't meet up for reunions often & no one really noticed that I was the only person missing from these people's Facebook friends lists.  Sometimes you can use this to your advantage.  If people would rather you just weren't around, you can get away with a lot of subterfuge & no one bats an eye.  Unlike your sister or cousin who everyone likes, if they just fell off the face of the Earth to live their life, they wouldn't be able to, ya dig?

Use the "bad" things to your advantage.

07.  Being A People Pleaser.  

Right, I just said it.  You can't please all of the people all of the time.  You can only live life for yourself.  That doesn't mean that you destroy everyone & eat cereal from their skulls.  You don't have to be an asshole, you can be gracious & nice, but you certainly shouldn't go out of your way for people.  Buy them the pastry because you really want to, knowing that the result is open ended & if they complain that it isn't cherry, it won't matter, because YOU were moved in the moment to do the thing YOU felt was necessary.  Perhaps most of the people like the gesture of pastry at work or whatever.  And if no one does, then YOU have pastry to eat.  It's a win-win, man!

You certainly can't do a thing hoping to gain anything from it.  You will end up disappointed in some form or fashion.  

You can't deny dressing how you want, thinking other people will make fun of you.  Someone will make fun of you in the "normal" outfit & someone will make fun of you in the other outfit that you really wanted to wear.  Are you gonna worry about what they think or are you gonna own who you are & wear what you want?  It should be the latter.

If you're not killin' kittens or attacking the elderly or whatever, then what you want is perfectly fine.  It won't be everyone's cup of tea (or anyone's), but listen to the music you like, wear the clothes you like.

I'm gonna use Dolly Parton as an example again.  I always use her as an example, because I feel we're similar in a sense.  She saw hookers in the 1950s & thought they were pretty & wanted to look like them.  She's just a polished, country queen, & her own version of that.  But do you think she'd be nearly as endearing if she hadn't of just been herself & dressed like a 1950s hooker?  No, she wouldn't because she'd constantly be worrying what others would think of her & that shame & fear is not a good look on anyone.

So, I saw hookers (in films & telly) from the 70s & 80s, thought they were pretty & wanted to look just like them.  Which is why I say I'm slightly like Dolly Parton.  Does this ingratiate me to people?  Not sure.  I'm also not famous.  I'm also not lookin' to be famous.  Am I dressing this way so people will think I'm cool?  Fuck no.  I'm dressing this way because I fucking want to.  End of discussion.

But someone will ALWAYS find fault with something about you, so you might as well fly your freak flag outta the starting gate, man.  It's easier to breathe if you just do things for you.  Trust me.  I've been there.

08.  Ignoring Red Flags In Relationships

I did touch on this, but it is not the same.  I wasn't ignoring anything, I was just confused.  I was new to this people liking me thing & I'm a little slow.  So, things are happening while I'm trying to figure out why 2 & 2 aren't equalling 4.  Nothing major, just time is going by.  Too much stuff that had me completely confused on already shaky ground. I'm serious.  At 20, I was 'Is this how people date?  I mean... it didn't happen this way on The Brady Bunch, so... I don't know...' slow. 

I'm not kiddin' when I say I'm real slow sometimes.  He'd say he liked me a lot, but then didn't want to hold my hand.  He'd say he liked me a lot but then would take another girl out on a date.  It does seem like I was ignoring things & hoping for the best, to someone who's more familiar with this, but honestly I was intellectually like a five year old.

By the time I was just about to figure one thing out, something else would happen, & I'd become more puzzled.  I'm talking s....l....o...w....

But once I did figure it out, well, I did feel stupid that it took me so long (a month, & then two weeks the next time, so I do learn), however, the most important thing was that I basically said "Yeah, we're done here." & left & never looked back.  

Ignoring, to me, means he's takin' other girls out but not you, you already KNOW that doesn't add up & what it means, but you say, "It's fine!  I know he loves me!".  That was not me.  I was like Pooh Bear in this thinking spot, hitting his forehead muttering, "Think... think... think..."

It did not help to ask other girls for advice.  Whether they were my age or older, because they'd just say, "AwWW!!!  He LOVES YOU!!!!".  Ya know the old thing where if the guy pushes you down, or pulls your hair, ignores you, or beats you then he loves you.  That always felt wrong to me, so I waved their words away because they weren't helpful.

09.  Allowing Others To Make Decisions For You

It's not that this never happened, but I also didn't allow it.  People were always making decisions for me.  Sometimes I was able to say, "NO!!", but other times I'm sputtering like the guy in Office Space about his stapler, because I don't want any of this to be happening, I was caught unawares, & can't think quickly enough to say, "No!".  

I didn't allow it.  Not on purpose.  I might roll over in a picking my battles scenario.  Because the decision in question really doesn't matter to me one way or the other, so if it's a win for the other person & we won't fight, then sure, why not?  I don't end up pouting in the corner about it later, I just move onto something else.  So, I will allow this to happen, because I don't really care which movie we see, I just don't want a fight, I want to see a film; having the movie going experience, & just want some damn popcorn.  

But in other scenarios where I'm just not quick enough to the draw & I end up getting railroaded.  I've learned that if it's too late to speak up, I'll just let it go, or I'll subtly move it in a direction slightly where I don't feel like I was railroaded.  Or else I'll just let it go.  Trying to learn from that, in order to not be blindsided & speak up at the time.

If it really matters, & I mean really fucking matters, like someone's going to eat all the cookies that I baked & have waited all day for or they're going to euthanize a kitten, even if I'm blindsided & my brain & mouth won't work at the right time, I will fight & say no, no matter the appropriate time in order to not have the kitten put down or all my cookies eaten.

And speaking of cookies & being blindsided, our neighbor started talking to me outside.  My brain is very task oriented, so my task was to take out the trash, get the mail, then get back inside to literally eat cookies & watch telly with the cats.  His conversation was slightly blindsiding, but then it went to why I wasn't married yet & him acting like I'd be the perfect, dutiful wife, my brain broke.

"I don't have time for a man.  Cookies, I like to eat cookies.  I want to worry about eating cookies."

I am not kidding.  My brain jumped from 'get mail' to 'how does one converse with people' to 'but cookies are waiting for me!!' & I just kept mumbling about cookies.  I couldn't stop mumbling about cookies & I think ended on, "... cookies?!  Goodbye!" & I just left.

10.  Constantly Seeking External Validation

Covered this in #3.  I have never sought validation from people.  But, mistreatment of me by my family sort of trained me up to want to seek validation from them... even though I tried fighting that.  I still struggle with that, but not nearly as much as I used to.  I mean, I almost signed up with the fucking Marines to get dad's approval & validation that I was a human.  That didn't go well.  His eyes got wide & he started sputtering, "No!  You can't.  Not you.  Marines.  They're guys, I know how guys are.  You can't."

At first I thought he just meant I couldn't be as manly as guys & was a little put out by that, but honestly I can't be as manly & strong as guys, & really just thought, 'Fine, I'll find another way for dad to think I'm cool.'

I did't try to do things for just anyone to think that I was cool.  Just the people in my family that seemed slightly out of reach.  My dad, my older brother, & my older sister.  For the most part I stopped trying to impress them with grand feats, & instead there would be sporadic outbursts of "I did the dishes!" with my hands on my hips, like 'Aren't you proud of me?  I adulted & didn't break anything!'.  So, in essence I had trouble with these three not pushing me down, still thinking of me as a child who always fucked things up.  Which was partly on them, because they couldn't see me & partly on me because I ended up seeing myself through their eyes.

But, I tried saying 'Fuck 'em', like I would with anyone else.  In a nice way, but just that I shouldn't have to dog & pony show myself to get their attention or show them that I can adult & be cool.  I still slip up, but it's WAY less than it used to be.

But validation from the rest of the world?!  No fucking way.  That was never in me & it still isn't.

11.  Failing To Prioritize Your Passions & Interests

No, I've always been pretty good at prioritizing... me.  Not in a narcissistic way, I'm not Professor Gilderoy Lockheart or anything, but I wasn't ashamed of the things that I liked, so even if someone made fun of me for wanting to play with Lego's or playing with Barbies or drawing, I just picked up my stuff & moved.

Funny story.  Well... funny about me, but sad for my mom, though she didn't/doesn't realize it.  Her view is that I was uppity or fussy.  My view is that she wasn't that great at being a mom.  But the story she just relayed is that I would want to be near her while she was doing things.  So, I'd pick up my Hot Wheels cars or Legos & bring them to where she was.  The kitchen or something.  If she ended up saying something that I didn't like (she didn't specify, but she never wanted me around, or I'd hum to myself & she didn't like that, so it was probably to stop this or that or to go away), I'd make a face, get my toys & just leave.  

I'm very big on not allowing abuse.  And I never once felt like I should stop playing with these things so that I wouldn't be shamed about it anymore.  I still played with Hot Wheels & Legos until I was like 12.

I never pushed my passions & interests on people.  But I wasn't shamed about them & would continue to do things that I liked... unless I was struggling with depression.  If I had ennui, I just stopped doing things that I loved.  NOT because people shamed me into stopping, but just because I wasn't feeling it, ya dig?  Then when I wasn't all ennui anymore, I'd pick those things back up again.

12.  Allowing Fear To Hold You Back

I... weigh options.  Sure, things scare me, but I don't let fear old me back.  I calculate Option Maths.  Is this thing in question worth it to me?  If it's not worth my time & effort or I might not make it back home to eat cookies, then it's a hard pass.  

That's anything from taking the shortcut through the dark alley at night to attending Tiffany's party.  What's in it for me?  That's really my attitude.  Sure I might not know people at Tiffany's party & that can be scary, but really my brain is thinking, 'Do I really want to leave the house & drive halfway across town in order to possibly have a good time?'  Sometimes the answer was yes.  I might motor after only ten or twenty minutes at the party, but it's only because I realize that while I wanted to be out, I really just wanted to be driving & listening to music... by myself.  Other times I did stay & hang out because it wasn't that bad of a time.

I have never taken the spooky & dark shortcut.  I'm not willing to risk that I might or might not make it out alive.  I'm a firm believe in "It's better to be safe, than sorry."  I'd rather take the long way around to live another day to eat cookies than risk having to fight to the death.  I don't have time for fighting to the death.  It's not post-apocalyptic times, y'all.  If I don't have to, then I'm not gonna.

Also, while I do really dig cookies, it's just easier to say that than to also add that I'd miss out on future Domino delivery orders or cuddling with kittens or colder weather.  Basically it's not worth me dying, so why bother?  I just use cookies because that's fun.

People always said I was scared to move out, that's why I've always lived at home.  Yes & no.  I wasn't scared for the reasons they thought, which were the uncertainty of adulting & it was just cushier at home.  That's true, it was cushier at home (physically, not emotionally), but that wasn't the reason.

It was all logics.  I've always had trouble holding down a job for longer than a month.  I never took out a student loan in order to finish college & get a degree, so without a degree there are (were?  degrees seem like garbage now, so I'm unsure) limited options.  How am I supposed to actually pay rent & utilities (much less feed myself) if I can't hold down a job?  I didn't have a lot of friends & my parents might also not take me back.  It was NOT worth the risk of becoming fucking homeless.

If I'd gotten a degree & could hold down a job no problem, then it would just be irrational fear.  It wasn't.  Irrational.  Why voluntarily choose to step foot out into the world with absolutely nothing going for you.  I know some people do & kudos to them, but that wasn't worth the risk to me.  Do I regret it?  Not really, no.  

Plus, even if my parents had allowed me to move back in, why would I take the time to move my stuff out, fail, & move it all back in again?  That's a lot of work for nothin'.  Not that I would have been mired down in the failure part, but what would I have to show for the hard work of moving... twice?  So, it would be a waste of my time & effort.  

Not fear, but practicality.  I'm not saying there wasn't fear mixed in there, but honestly it was perhaps, 20% fear, 80% logics.  So, fear wasn't THE reason holding me back on things.  

And to be clear, I'm not a loser who doesn't do anything just because I live at home.  I'm pretty much a full time Head House Keeper.  Even before dad died & mom was way less mobile, I was doing the shopping, paying the bills, running other errands, making meals (50/50 when dad was alive on the grocery shopping & food makings), cleaning, taking care of the cats, etc.  So, I certainly earn my keep.  Not that I have to explain myself to anyone, but I think it worked out, because this was the house I was born in & I love this house so I don't mind taking care of it.  

So, no, fear didn't hold me back & I have no regrets.