Time marches slowly onward. Time speeds up, slows down, speeds up... again.
I've come to this point in my life. I was picked up one day, flung around, like being stuck in a hurricane, going to & fro; round & round in a circle. Ever circling downward. Like some sort of Kamikaze pilot spiraling out of control, yet all the while, in control.
Instead of slamming into the ground, however, I was shoved forward, crammed into this tiny hole. I was suffocating there for awhile. A long while indeed. "Just let go. Let it go." I realized I was carrying so many unwanted things; I dropped them, as bid and no more suffocation, no more being stuck; waiting; no more dying in that hole.
No, now I am dead. I am in a tunnel of mortar and damp. Feeling around for the exit. The tunnel behind me is riddled with the shackles I have taken off. Shed. I am free of all of that. Every now and then there are signals; glimpses of what's yet to fall away. Shame, betrayal, secrets I've hidden even from myself. They do not scare me. I've already confronted those demons while taking the crazy spin through the air. Now is acknowledgement. "Ah, yes, that is what happened. Good, good, now LET IT GO!" Once I have stripped myself clean, I'll come back. I'll be reborn. I will be in a new phase in my life. This spiritual healer will pull herself up from the mud and the roots and the moss and with new eyes will see all.
My faerie eye has been damaged for a long time. It was scarred when the four directional witches tried to syphon my power away from me. During my time of dying, I started to see again, not much, but it was certainly enough for forces to try to rip my faerie eye from my skull. Never again. I was born with this faerie eye. It stays in this socket until the cold of time decays it from my bones.
"I'm ready!", but the Universe says I need a little more time. I can not yet be reborn. Take the time, it says. Wait and be mindful, it says. "But, the waiting! I'm tired of waiting!" We know, it says. Just hold tight, it says.
I'm there. I've found the exit. I know I have. But I can't penetrate the sheet of ice.. I can not yet burst forth from this expiry cocoon. There is more to see and to understand in this place. My faerie eye has not yet finished healing. I can almost taste it... so close... fresh air... who I'm meant to be. Who I've hidden away for so long. "What does it matter. I am already dead." "No, I am not dead yet! I will still fight!" That memory and those words float by in this dark place. A place of waiting and rest. A place where I am unafraid. A place where I accept my past. I show my past my love, before sending it on its way to the stars.
I've already torn myself down to my base. To my nothingness. I tried rebuilding, but stopped at about knee level. Never stop mid-rebuild, I've been told. I suppose I just had to see what it would be like. Living like a zombie is not existence at all. This zombie craze? Is that why everyone is crazy about zombies, because that's what they are? All of them zombies? I know zombie. I was there. I lived zombie, but never again.
I stopped in mid-build because I was afraid. Afraid to see. I have since seen the other side of hell. I said, "Fuck the fire" & ran through. I came out shaking, but unscathed. Ah, Unscathed. She's fighting her way through. She always knew she could go through the fire and survive or she would never have chosen to be Unscathed. She always knew. I'm still unscathed. I made it, I keep reminding myself. Now, man up and move forward. FORWARD! ....MOVE!
I feel like I am on a people mover at an international airport. I'm standing here, I am moving. It's just not fast enough for me. I feel like all the tests in my life that I have failed and all the one's where I have triumphed have gotten me to this point. It no longer really matters that I failed during some tests, I made it here, that was the point. I didn't give up and am moving forward. That was the point. So, really, I won... this battle.
I can finally tell the difference between poisons. I can finally tell the difference between truths. I know my own truth, which is all I ever really needed to know. I am worthy of love. I am not dead yet. I am my own master. I will reclaim my faerie eye. I am good enough. Forgiveness is love. Love is the only way.
To you Lord of Doom: You were one of the best friends this girl could ever have asked for. I loved you. You were a brother to me. I still love you at your 30 year old self, my brother. I feel that I failed you in some way, but the Universe has never failed me when I listen to it (only when I go against it). It's course was true, so I followed. We have been apart for what seems like a million years. You can never go back, though if I could go back just to spend one measly hour with you, it would be enough happiness for five years.
To you Oh, Northerner: You're alright. You always had the time of day for me, for whatever reason. You're a bit amusing now, I don't really understand the reactions, but no harm no foul. I wish you well in your life my fair male of Norway, I really do!
To you Danilo the Defiler: You are the bane of my existence no longer! I finally release your poison from my soul. Tearing away what little bit I had left, I hated you for it. But perhaps without your treachery, your lecherous ways, I wouldn't have been forced onto the correct road. So, your sloppy disregard for me, actually proved to be your downfall. I prevail. I strive. I am. I will conquer my own destiny. I'll admit that you had me down for the count back there. But only for a moment. I succeeded in not only pushing you back into the recesses of my mind, but actually sweeping you out completely. Once looking at a photo of you made me want to vomit. Now, I see any other guy, an average joe, just a person without a past. Though I do know of your past. How many others know who you are? What you have done? Was I the only one? Were there others? You were what I get for going against my gut feeling; going against the Universe's warnings of "DANGER!!", but the past is the past. I am not out to change it. I'm moving forward. I've left you and all of your sully deeds where they belong. And I laugh, in spite of myself, but I really do wish you the best. You go on and have your life. Be happy. Forgive yourself. For I have forgiven you.
To you Man with the Brother Tattoo: You with your hazelnut coffee and gentle ways. "Girls only like me because they think I'm the bad boy." I always knew you were no bad boy, as I told you that day. I could see straight through to the core of you. The Universe gave me no danger signs. I know. I wondered why all was silent; why there were none and was given the go ahead. Not even a proceed with caution sign anywhere in site. You were the true true. You were truly nice. You were truly nice to me. You loved me. Whether your brain recognized it or not, your heart knew. Your heart sang when it saw me, as did mine. Yes, my heart sang every time it saw YOU. Every time. Just so you now know. You know what you knew then. Your brain wasn't betraying you. You saw through to the core of me as well. You were not afraid. You loved the me that was in there. Just as I loved the you that was inside of you. But, we were not to be a forever love. You pushed me aside, as someone would with a wild tiger they had kept locked up. You wanted me to run free, though I did not. You hurt me, which you did not want to do. You ran after me calling my name. I was hurt, but I was meant to fly away. I don't hate you for it. I never did. The Universe put us together for only a short while and then just as easily set us on our different paths for the future. I lied to myself all those years, trying to put you in the same box withAzog The Defiler, but you were nothing like him. You were someone completely different. Someone who didn't use people to get what he wanted. Someone who saw me as a person and not an object. Someone who did not want to hurt me. Someone who cared about my feelings. Someone who wanted me, but knew I had to go away and follow my own life path. It's been eight years and you're getting married now. I'm happy for you, I call out from my path over here. And I smile. Because it's all true.
I've come to this point in my life. I was picked up one day, flung around, like being stuck in a hurricane, going to & fro; round & round in a circle. Ever circling downward. Like some sort of Kamikaze pilot spiraling out of control, yet all the while, in control.
Instead of slamming into the ground, however, I was shoved forward, crammed into this tiny hole. I was suffocating there for awhile. A long while indeed. "Just let go. Let it go." I realized I was carrying so many unwanted things; I dropped them, as bid and no more suffocation, no more being stuck; waiting; no more dying in that hole.
No, now I am dead. I am in a tunnel of mortar and damp. Feeling around for the exit. The tunnel behind me is riddled with the shackles I have taken off. Shed. I am free of all of that. Every now and then there are signals; glimpses of what's yet to fall away. Shame, betrayal, secrets I've hidden even from myself. They do not scare me. I've already confronted those demons while taking the crazy spin through the air. Now is acknowledgement. "Ah, yes, that is what happened. Good, good, now LET IT GO!" Once I have stripped myself clean, I'll come back. I'll be reborn. I will be in a new phase in my life. This spiritual healer will pull herself up from the mud and the roots and the moss and with new eyes will see all.
My faerie eye has been damaged for a long time. It was scarred when the four directional witches tried to syphon my power away from me. During my time of dying, I started to see again, not much, but it was certainly enough for forces to try to rip my faerie eye from my skull. Never again. I was born with this faerie eye. It stays in this socket until the cold of time decays it from my bones.
"I'm ready!", but the Universe says I need a little more time. I can not yet be reborn. Take the time, it says. Wait and be mindful, it says. "But, the waiting! I'm tired of waiting!" We know, it says. Just hold tight, it says.
I'm there. I've found the exit. I know I have. But I can't penetrate the sheet of ice.. I can not yet burst forth from this expiry cocoon. There is more to see and to understand in this place. My faerie eye has not yet finished healing. I can almost taste it... so close... fresh air... who I'm meant to be. Who I've hidden away for so long. "What does it matter. I am already dead." "No, I am not dead yet! I will still fight!" That memory and those words float by in this dark place. A place of waiting and rest. A place where I am unafraid. A place where I accept my past. I show my past my love, before sending it on its way to the stars.
I've already torn myself down to my base. To my nothingness. I tried rebuilding, but stopped at about knee level. Never stop mid-rebuild, I've been told. I suppose I just had to see what it would be like. Living like a zombie is not existence at all. This zombie craze? Is that why everyone is crazy about zombies, because that's what they are? All of them zombies? I know zombie. I was there. I lived zombie, but never again.
I stopped in mid-build because I was afraid. Afraid to see. I have since seen the other side of hell. I said, "Fuck the fire" & ran through. I came out shaking, but unscathed. Ah, Unscathed. She's fighting her way through. She always knew she could go through the fire and survive or she would never have chosen to be Unscathed. She always knew. I'm still unscathed. I made it, I keep reminding myself. Now, man up and move forward. FORWARD! ....MOVE!
I feel like I am on a people mover at an international airport. I'm standing here, I am moving. It's just not fast enough for me. I feel like all the tests in my life that I have failed and all the one's where I have triumphed have gotten me to this point. It no longer really matters that I failed during some tests, I made it here, that was the point. I didn't give up and am moving forward. That was the point. So, really, I won... this battle.
I can finally tell the difference between poisons. I can finally tell the difference between truths. I know my own truth, which is all I ever really needed to know. I am worthy of love. I am not dead yet. I am my own master. I will reclaim my faerie eye. I am good enough. Forgiveness is love. Love is the only way.
To you Lord of Doom: You were one of the best friends this girl could ever have asked for. I loved you. You were a brother to me. I still love you at your 30 year old self, my brother. I feel that I failed you in some way, but the Universe has never failed me when I listen to it (only when I go against it). It's course was true, so I followed. We have been apart for what seems like a million years. You can never go back, though if I could go back just to spend one measly hour with you, it would be enough happiness for five years.
To you Oh, Northerner: You're alright. You always had the time of day for me, for whatever reason. You're a bit amusing now, I don't really understand the reactions, but no harm no foul. I wish you well in your life my fair male of Norway, I really do!
To you Danilo the Defiler: You are the bane of my existence no longer! I finally release your poison from my soul. Tearing away what little bit I had left, I hated you for it. But perhaps without your treachery, your lecherous ways, I wouldn't have been forced onto the correct road. So, your sloppy disregard for me, actually proved to be your downfall. I prevail. I strive. I am. I will conquer my own destiny. I'll admit that you had me down for the count back there. But only for a moment. I succeeded in not only pushing you back into the recesses of my mind, but actually sweeping you out completely. Once looking at a photo of you made me want to vomit. Now, I see any other guy, an average joe, just a person without a past. Though I do know of your past. How many others know who you are? What you have done? Was I the only one? Were there others? You were what I get for going against my gut feeling; going against the Universe's warnings of "DANGER!!", but the past is the past. I am not out to change it. I'm moving forward. I've left you and all of your sully deeds where they belong. And I laugh, in spite of myself, but I really do wish you the best. You go on and have your life. Be happy. Forgive yourself. For I have forgiven you.
To you Man with the Brother Tattoo: You with your hazelnut coffee and gentle ways. "Girls only like me because they think I'm the bad boy." I always knew you were no bad boy, as I told you that day. I could see straight through to the core of you. The Universe gave me no danger signs. I know. I wondered why all was silent; why there were none and was given the go ahead. Not even a proceed with caution sign anywhere in site. You were the true true. You were truly nice. You were truly nice to me. You loved me. Whether your brain recognized it or not, your heart knew. Your heart sang when it saw me, as did mine. Yes, my heart sang every time it saw YOU. Every time. Just so you now know. You know what you knew then. Your brain wasn't betraying you. You saw through to the core of me as well. You were not afraid. You loved the me that was in there. Just as I loved the you that was inside of you. But, we were not to be a forever love. You pushed me aside, as someone would with a wild tiger they had kept locked up. You wanted me to run free, though I did not. You hurt me, which you did not want to do. You ran after me calling my name. I was hurt, but I was meant to fly away. I don't hate you for it. I never did. The Universe put us together for only a short while and then just as easily set us on our different paths for the future. I lied to myself all those years, trying to put you in the same box with
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